‘Sorry, there are no showings today.’

Right now, I just want to talk. It’s just me, no movies or TV shows. In all honestly, that’s all I thought I knew how to write about. But it’s not. In moments like these it does well to be anonymous. 

“The deeper I go into myself the more I realise that I am my own enemy.”

I know I always write about a film i’ve seen and how it can teach you something about life, and how it’s a positive outlook on something much deeper. As much as I still believe that, (and I urge you not to lose faith in films), I can’t do that tonight because i’m struggling. I’m at a point in my life right now where I feel like i’m falling apart by trying to hold everything together. But I guess that’s okay?

Over the past week I have thought and thought, to the point where I now feel like my head could potentially implode. Whilst over-thinking things remains the work of a greater evil, it usually means you can consider everything from every angle at every possible moment. This isn’t something I made a plan to write about or even considered in my head for a few days, it’s here right now and it’s just happening. On the surface I feel like i’m a twenty one year old girl at university, with no clue of what she’s doing and definitely not enough time to figure it out before deadlines begin.

Unfortunately, if that was all it was I would be fine. But like most things, nothing worthwhile is ever without complications. I don’t know why, but I suddenly feel like i’m not who i’m supposed to be, and as much as I want to be that person, it causes too many issues for other people. Now, I can hear you all saying ‘fuck it, be who you want to be.’ But in life I hope that if people know me, they’ll know me as fundamentally kind. Just kind, caring and loving, but how do I do that? How am I supposed to be that person without the intense emotion that comes with it? The two generally go hand in hand, but that seems to be pushing everyone away and essentially, I can’t be anyone else. I don’t know how to be anyone else.

I feel broken and alone in my own mind right now with no way out. I want to cry but I feel numb, I want to shout but i’m exhausted. I’m not strong enough to do this. I can’t hold my emotions in but i’m trying my damn hardest to. I’m trying not to act instinctively on how I feel, and i’m trying to not talk about things that are on my mind. It’s pointless, the outcome is always the same. It’s usually just me over-thinking everything. Maybe it’s the being up at 3.18am writing this, but it’s usually then when my inner thoughts are fighting to get out. My flatmate asked me why i’m being distant as he came in from the pub, and I told him that i’m fine, there’s nothing wrong. Because he doesn’t need my intensity or my issues in his life, I know he cares as my friend, but there has to be a gauge on what I share and what I don’t. I feel like i’m just putting pressure on everyone around me. They don’t need that. They don’t need me. My flatmate was right, people can’t handle how intense I am, and i’m beginning to understand exactly what he means.

I can honestly tell you that no matter how bad things are, drinking is not the solution. Trust me and my four day hangover, things only get worse if you depend on alcohol for a quick fix. Drinking caused more bad than good for me overall, and i’m just giving it up now. It was fun while it lasted, but I became dependant on my friend, (remember my saga from a while ago? Yeah, him) and that in turn became a burden for him. He has a girlfriend, but drunk me really didn’t think that through when I was grinding against him and he was trying to move away. Yes, not my proudest moment, and if I ever gather enough guts to tell him how sorry I am, I hope he believes me. He is one of my greatest friends and I’m not hurt over that anymore. I really don’t have anything against his girlfriend, she seems lovely, and I wish them both the best of whatever life gives them.

Anyway, this isn’t a completely negative post. What kind of person do you all think I am? As much as I feel like i’m a problem for everyone around me right now, I know (or at least I can hope) things will be okay. You, if you’re reading this and it sounds too familiar, you will also be okay. It can’t rain forever, there has to be sunshine at some point. I know that for the next however long I probably won’t talk to anyone in much detail about how i’m feeling, or what i’m doing, I’ll smile and say I’m fine a countless amount of times and that’s okay. But I will work it out eventually, there is a balance and I will get it right. We are brave, honest and true, we will travel the world, and find ourselves someday. Please just hold on, I will too.

Please be kind to me November.

Just an average girl.

 

 

 

That’s in bestsellers, right next to Twilight.

‘Whatever happened to chivalry? Does it only exist in 80’s movies? I want John Cusack holding a boombox outside my window. I wanna ride off on a lawnmower with Patrick Dempsey. I want Jake from Sixteen Candles waiting outside the church for me. I want Judd Nelson thrusting his fist into the air because he knows he got me. Just once I want my life to be like an 80’s movie, preferably one with a really awesome musical number for no apparent reason. But no, no, John Hughes did not direct my life.’

That is all I have to say. Easy A (Gluck, 2010) strikes again haha. Not really, but (and I apologise that I keep going on about it but I love it so much) as you know the flame of the eighties movie is still very much glowing in my life, especially since I turned 21! Yeaaaaah, that happened, happy birthday to me I guess? I’m also currently supposed to be getting ready to go out for the night but i’ve decided to write my post on here while i’m still here and functioning, because as you know from my last post, I don’t really work that well when I get home from nights out.

So I feel like this week has been a difficult one, just with everything being overwhelming and intense. And I just need some time to adjust to everything, like this is how stressful things will be until i graduate now. In the midst of missed classes (that I didn’t know I had been entered for) to actually being drunk for the first time and kissing a complete stranger (also not my proudest moment), I just need to take a breather from this whirlwind that happens to be taking over right now. If you are in a whirlwind, then take a breath because you’re going to burn out if you don’t.

I’m reading a book at the moment called ‘How to be mindful’ and paired with my ‘Calm’ book it helps with my anxiety disorder and day to day life in general. I read something in it today that touched on exactly what i’ve been trying to say. It reads:

‘Open your heart and soul to forgiveness, both for yourself and others. Holding on to resentment or anger only fuels other negative emotions. Be open to healing and love.’

I don’t know about anyone else but I needed to hear that today, and this week in general. I’d like to think the human race is good at forgiveness and love, but I know people forget sometimes. So let me remind you of this, forgive yourself for that thing that happened, or that situation you found yourself in the other day. Because it’s over now, and you dealt with it then so there’s no need to fall back into the past just to feel that pain, anger or resentment all over again. We should learn to cross bridges when we come to them, to not care about what other people think of us, and to cut ourselves some slack every now and then. We aren’t perfect, but that’s the fun of it. If everyone was the same then the world would be a much less interesting place to be. Learn daily, live fully and love wholly.

No, my life is not directed by John Hughes, (you all knew this was coming so don’t roll your eyes!) and there is no knight in shining armour standing outside my door to save me from my troubles. But you know, that’s okay, because essentially I am The Breakfast Club, I am Pretty in Pink, I am Sixteen Candles and I am The Lost Boys. I am whoever I want to be, you are entitled to be who you want to be, but just be a good one. Be happy, and kind and loving to the world, because that’s what we deserve to have from one another. So have that epic soundtrack ready for the best movie you’re about to see. Yours.

Live Long and Prosper.

Home Girl, interrupted.

Life lessons at 4.19am

So this post is a little disjointed and unlike the rest as I just got in from a house party and it’s late and I’m dying. But, the point is, this is just something you need to know. 

When it comes to people, generally there’s gonna be someone you have a crush on, my god there has to be. My lesson to you all is: 

Do not go fricking duckie style (pretty in pink) on the person you’re crushing on. Seriously, it’s a crush for a reason. Not because it hurts or whatever, but because for some reason you’re just not compatible enough to be together. Who knows what the reason is, don’t dwell on it. It’s just not meant to be. 

And if you’re lucky enough to have a crush on a person who is a good friend of yours, LET THEM BE YOUR FRIEND, because I don’t know about anyone else but I would rather have a person that I care for so much as my friend than not at all. For god’s sake do not be that person that gets upset over a person they were never with. 

I promise you, you will find your perfect person, and they will be standing outside your window with a boombox, ready to sweep you off your feet via lawn mower. Until then, enjoy the people around you, I swear there are no others like them. Love them with your heart and not your head. And if by any chance you’re reading this, you know who you are, then note that I slept peacefully knowing that tomorrow I’d still have one of my closest friends in my life. You do you sweets, I got my friend in you, that’s all I ever need. 🙂

Live long and prosper, 

Home Girl, interupted. 

May I admire you again today?

(This was originally a post from a couple months back, apparently if you edit things they change their order.)


“This is a really volcanic ensemble you’re wearing, it’s really marvellous!”

A volcanic ensemble would be a kinder phrase to describe things right now, as in all honesty admiring from afar is hard work. Duckie has is right with constant persistence but the situation i’m in isn’t taking after Pretty In Pink (Hughes, 1986) unfortunately.

This is only going to be a short post because i’ve been at work today and my head feels like it’s going to fall off. But in my own saga,  The fawning continues! Now if you’ve never done that you’re lying. It’s a definite thing, thinking about potential situations with someone you’re crushing on is your brain’s way of filling you with false hope.

I’ve decided that i’m just going to marry John Stamos really, because he is quite glorious. But seriously, if he finds his own equivalent to the lovely Andie, then… I will just deal with it. I’m the kind of girl that’ll catch herself thinking in the moment about what could be and pin her hopes on it. Lesson to self: Don’t pin everything on one hope.

Sitting here watching 80’s teen films again isn’t really helping, because I still have no one in my back garden with a boombox trying to serenade me. 

UGH WHY IS THERE NO INSTRUCTION MANUAL FOR THIS?!

Hope you’re all well. Live long and prosper,

Home Girl, interrupted.

Everything you love is right here.

“Childhood is what you spend the rest of your life trying to overcome.”

So the day I was waiting for finally came, today i moved out of my home. The only home i’ve known for twenty years, and it ended with some tears, but at the same time it started something crazy and new. And i’m actually quite excited.

I don’t think I know a film that relates to this situation for everyone, but in my case i know i thought about Hope Floats (Whitaker, 1998) when i was thinking about which film i could relate to this. I watched this film about a woman with the worst luck trying to make a new life for her and her daughter, whilst i was sat with my mother. It’s always scary doing new things, for me this whole move is something new and unexpected, and i’d be lying if i said i wasn’t scared. But everything you love is right here.

I understand that moving away from what you know is difficult, but you never get anything out of just staying where you are. And whatever causes you to move, whatever the reason is, just take it as a good blessing to make a new start. What i take from this film is the will to carry on. The way the characters in this film are troubled with new challenges and forced to move from place to place, yet they manage to triumph every time. I triumphed in that same way today, and let me tell you, it feels good.

My biggest fear of moving was not being there for my brother, my sister or my mum, as you can probably tell i’m not a fan of change. But moving in with friends and seeing the support i actually got from my mum and my siblings makes me so much happier. This is because they knew change was coming, so they embraced it, which in turn helped me to embrace it too. I think that being a part of something bigger and knowing you’re not alone in these important times is a really big help.

So if you feel like you are alone when you’re trying to make choices or make plans, just know that everything you’ve ever wanted is on the other side of fear. If it doesn’t scare you, you don’t care enough, it’s as easy as that. I hope you find something scary enough to care about it, and to know that you’re not alone and you don’t have to do it on your own. I for one will always be right here, and that’s one person on your side. 🙂 Time to go out and change your world, and have fun embracing change!

Live Long and Prosper.

Home Girl, interrupted.

We’re simply meant to be.

“Say it once, say it twice, take a chance and roll the dice. Ride with the moon in the dead of night.'”

As I sit here and watch The Nightmare Before Christmas (Selick, 1993) I think of how much creativity and artwork must have gone into this beautiful film. It’s a Tim Burton designed creation, and in no means is it any less than any other Burton designed film. The strangely obscure masterpiece is one that is filled with love and music, and without being fooled by the title, and by me watching it in summer, it really is a lovely Halloween/Christmas film that warms the soul.

This film is so poetic in how it tells the epic love story of Jack and Sally, and it makes me want to be a part of the story as much as i can. Truth is, we are part of this story, because for some of us, it’s Halloween everyday isn’t it? The truth is, Jack is taking a risk in claiming Christmas but he’s doing it because it feels right, and that’s all you can do in this life, take risks because you feel like it’s the right thing to do. If you make a mistake then pick yourself up and dust yourself off, buttercup. You will be fine.

BUT ENOUGH OF THIS EMOTION, I must bid thee farewell, as my movie awaits. And for all the people that are reading this, including you honey, always trust yourself to do the right thing, because no matter what, you will be okay. I promise.

Live long and prosper.

Home Girl, interrupted.

Have Mercy.

“Whatever happened to predictability?” 

So as you are all aware, I have an unexplainable love for John Stamos that is ever present in my day to day life. I thought it was about time that I shared with the all mighty blogosphere just where this obsession started. Full House (1987-1995, ABC) really is in a league of its own when it comes to American TV sitcoms. It’s cheesy in all the right places but it has the jokes the parents will like too, making sure that it appeals to every generation of audience. It is the perfect example of TV made for the masses because there’s something in it for everyone.

It tells the touching story of a recently widowed single father, who is joined by his brother in law and his best friend when they move in to help him raise his three young daughters. Over eight seasons the show sees every character return each time and the family evolves through a roller coaster of events and emotions. With a barrel of laughs in every episode this show has become my all time favourite past time and as a result I have had many sessions of binge watching the madness.

Without spoiling it too much, because I do want you all to watch it if you haven’t already, i’ll just say that it really does hit home in terms of reminding me of how i grew up and some of the things me and my siblings got up to. It reminds me that family is the most important thing in life, whether that family is blood or not. Honestly, you will enjoy it from the laughter to the tears and all the kids, parents and dogs.

In my own saga, I have a little update for you all. I have a date next week! Not with the guy I was fawning over, because that would be easy, and it wouldn’t be called a crush now would it? So I have a date, with someone nice who i’ve been talking to for a while. I also go on holiday next week so that’ll be awesome. And then when i come back, i move out of home into central city, (flash reference) haha. So everything’s moving and changing, and i can’t wait. This summer is going to be amazing. Hope you all enjoy it too!

Live long and prosper,

Home Girl, interrupted.