‘Sorry, there are no showings today.’

Right now, I just want to talk. It’s just me, no movies or TV shows. In all honestly, that’s all I thought I knew how to write about. But it’s not. In moments like these it does well to be anonymous. 

“The deeper I go into myself the more I realise that I am my own enemy.”

I know I always write about a film i’ve seen and how it can teach you something about life, and how it’s a positive outlook on something much deeper. As much as I still believe that, (and I urge you not to lose faith in films), I can’t do that tonight because i’m struggling. I’m at a point in my life right now where I feel like i’m falling apart by trying to hold everything together. But I guess that’s okay?

Over the past week I have thought and thought, to the point where I now feel like my head could potentially implode. Whilst over-thinking things remains the work of a greater evil, it usually means you can consider everything from every angle at every possible moment. This isn’t something I made a plan to write about or even considered in my head for a few days, it’s here right now and it’s just happening. On the surface I feel like i’m a twenty one year old girl at university, with no clue of what she’s doing and definitely not enough time to figure it out before deadlines begin.

Unfortunately, if that was all it was I would be fine. But like most things, nothing worthwhile is ever without complications. I don’t know why, but I suddenly feel like i’m not who i’m supposed to be, and as much as I want to be that person, it causes too many issues for other people. Now, I can hear you all saying ‘fuck it, be who you want to be.’ But in life I hope that if people know me, they’ll know me as fundamentally kind. Just kind, caring and loving, but how do I do that? How am I supposed to be that person without the intense emotion that comes with it? The two generally go hand in hand, but that seems to be pushing everyone away and essentially, I can’t be anyone else. I don’t know how to be anyone else.

I feel broken and alone in my own mind right now with no way out. I want to cry but I feel numb, I want to shout but i’m exhausted. I’m not strong enough to do this. I can’t hold my emotions in but i’m trying my damn hardest to. I’m trying not to act instinctively on how I feel, and i’m trying to not talk about things that are on my mind. It’s pointless, the outcome is always the same. It’s usually just me over-thinking everything. Maybe it’s the being up at 3.18am writing this, but it’s usually then when my inner thoughts are fighting to get out. My flatmate asked me why i’m being distant as he came in from the pub, and I told him that i’m fine, there’s nothing wrong. Because he doesn’t need my intensity or my issues in his life, I know he cares as my friend, but there has to be a gauge on what I share and what I don’t. I feel like i’m just putting pressure on everyone around me. They don’t need that. They don’t need me. My flatmate was right, people can’t handle how intense I am, and i’m beginning to understand exactly what he means.

I can honestly tell you that no matter how bad things are, drinking is not the solution. Trust me and my four day hangover, things only get worse if you depend on alcohol for a quick fix. Drinking caused more bad than good for me overall, and i’m just giving it up now. It was fun while it lasted, but I became dependant on my friend, (remember my saga from a while ago? Yeah, him) and that in turn became a burden for him. He has a girlfriend, but drunk me really didn’t think that through when I was grinding against him and he was trying to move away. Yes, not my proudest moment, and if I ever gather enough guts to tell him how sorry I am, I hope he believes me. He is one of my greatest friends and I’m not hurt over that anymore. I really don’t have anything against his girlfriend, she seems lovely, and I wish them both the best of whatever life gives them.

Anyway, this isn’t a completely negative post. What kind of person do you all think I am? As much as I feel like i’m a problem for everyone around me right now, I know (or at least I can hope) things will be okay. You, if you’re reading this and it sounds too familiar, you will also be okay. It can’t rain forever, there has to be sunshine at some point. I know that for the next however long I probably won’t talk to anyone in much detail about how i’m feeling, or what i’m doing, I’ll smile and say I’m fine a countless amount of times and that’s okay. But I will work it out eventually, there is a balance and I will get it right. We are brave, honest and true, we will travel the world, and find ourselves someday. Please just hold on, I will too.

Please be kind to me November.

Just an average girl.

 

 

 

Advertisements

May I admire you again today?

(This was originally a post from a couple months back, apparently if you edit things they change their order.)


“This is a really volcanic ensemble you’re wearing, it’s really marvellous!”

A volcanic ensemble would be a kinder phrase to describe things right now, as in all honesty admiring from afar is hard work. Duckie has is right with constant persistence but the situation i’m in isn’t taking after Pretty In Pink (Hughes, 1986) unfortunately.

This is only going to be a short post because i’ve been at work today and my head feels like it’s going to fall off. But in my own saga,  The fawning continues! Now if you’ve never done that you’re lying. It’s a definite thing, thinking about potential situations with someone you’re crushing on is your brain’s way of filling you with false hope.

I’ve decided that i’m just going to marry John Stamos really, because he is quite glorious. But seriously, if he finds his own equivalent to the lovely Andie, then… I will just deal with it. I’m the kind of girl that’ll catch herself thinking in the moment about what could be and pin her hopes on it. Lesson to self: Don’t pin everything on one hope.

Sitting here watching 80’s teen films again isn’t really helping, because I still have no one in my back garden with a boombox trying to serenade me. 

UGH WHY IS THERE NO INSTRUCTION MANUAL FOR THIS?!

Hope you’re all well. Live long and prosper,

Home Girl, interrupted.

Everything you love is right here.

“Childhood is what you spend the rest of your life trying to overcome.”

So the day I was waiting for finally came, today i moved out of my home. The only home i’ve known for twenty years, and it ended with some tears, but at the same time it started something crazy and new. And i’m actually quite excited.

I don’t think I know a film that relates to this situation for everyone, but in my case i know i thought about Hope Floats (Whitaker, 1998) when i was thinking about which film i could relate to this. I watched this film about a woman with the worst luck trying to make a new life for her and her daughter, whilst i was sat with my mother. It’s always scary doing new things, for me this whole move is something new and unexpected, and i’d be lying if i said i wasn’t scared. But everything you love is right here.

I understand that moving away from what you know is difficult, but you never get anything out of just staying where you are. And whatever causes you to move, whatever the reason is, just take it as a good blessing to make a new start. What i take from this film is the will to carry on. The way the characters in this film are troubled with new challenges and forced to move from place to place, yet they manage to triumph every time. I triumphed in that same way today, and let me tell you, it feels good.

My biggest fear of moving was not being there for my brother, my sister or my mum, as you can probably tell i’m not a fan of change. But moving in with friends and seeing the support i actually got from my mum and my siblings makes me so much happier. This is because they knew change was coming, so they embraced it, which in turn helped me to embrace it too. I think that being a part of something bigger and knowing you’re not alone in these important times is a really big help.

So if you feel like you are alone when you’re trying to make choices or make plans, just know that everything you’ve ever wanted is on the other side of fear. If it doesn’t scare you, you don’t care enough, it’s as easy as that. I hope you find something scary enough to care about it, and to know that you’re not alone and you don’t have to do it on your own. I for one will always be right here, and that’s one person on your side. 🙂 Time to go out and change your world, and have fun embracing change!

Live Long and Prosper.

Home Girl, interrupted.

We’re simply meant to be.

“Say it once, say it twice, take a chance and roll the dice. Ride with the moon in the dead of night.'”

As I sit here and watch The Nightmare Before Christmas (Selick, 1993) I think of how much creativity and artwork must have gone into this beautiful film. It’s a Tim Burton designed creation, and in no means is it any less than any other Burton designed film. The strangely obscure masterpiece is one that is filled with love and music, and without being fooled by the title, and by me watching it in summer, it really is a lovely Halloween/Christmas film that warms the soul.

This film is so poetic in how it tells the epic love story of Jack and Sally, and it makes me want to be a part of the story as much as i can. Truth is, we are part of this story, because for some of us, it’s Halloween everyday isn’t it? The truth is, Jack is taking a risk in claiming Christmas but he’s doing it because it feels right, and that’s all you can do in this life, take risks because you feel like it’s the right thing to do. If you make a mistake then pick yourself up and dust yourself off, buttercup. You will be fine.

BUT ENOUGH OF THIS EMOTION, I must bid thee farewell, as my movie awaits. And for all the people that are reading this, including you honey, always trust yourself to do the right thing, because no matter what, you will be okay. I promise.

Live long and prosper.

Home Girl, interrupted.

Have Mercy.

“Whatever happened to predictability?” 

So as you are all aware, I have an unexplainable love for John Stamos that is ever present in my day to day life. I thought it was about time that I shared with the all mighty blogosphere just where this obsession started. Full House (1987-1995, ABC) really is in a league of its own when it comes to American TV sitcoms. It’s cheesy in all the right places but it has the jokes the parents will like too, making sure that it appeals to every generation of audience. It is the perfect example of TV made for the masses because there’s something in it for everyone.

It tells the touching story of a recently widowed single father, who is joined by his brother in law and his best friend when they move in to help him raise his three young daughters. Over eight seasons the show sees every character return each time and the family evolves through a roller coaster of events and emotions. With a barrel of laughs in every episode this show has become my all time favourite past time and as a result I have had many sessions of binge watching the madness.

Without spoiling it too much, because I do want you all to watch it if you haven’t already, i’ll just say that it really does hit home in terms of reminding me of how i grew up and some of the things me and my siblings got up to. It reminds me that family is the most important thing in life, whether that family is blood or not. Honestly, you will enjoy it from the laughter to the tears and all the kids, parents and dogs.

In my own saga, I have a little update for you all. I have a date next week! Not with the guy I was fawning over, because that would be easy, and it wouldn’t be called a crush now would it? So I have a date, with someone nice who i’ve been talking to for a while. I also go on holiday next week so that’ll be awesome. And then when i come back, i move out of home into central city, (flash reference) haha. So everything’s moving and changing, and i can’t wait. This summer is going to be amazing. Hope you all enjoy it too!

Live long and prosper,

Home Girl, interrupted.

Okay.

 

*Warning: This post does have spoilers about the movie and the book*

‘That’s a thing about pain. It demands to be felt.’

There’s not enough I can say about The Fault in our Stars (Boone, 2014) that would give it the justice it deserves. This one was always going to be a hard one to write, but I decided it wasn’t worth avoiding anymore.

This film, (and the book), tell a story that isn’t just unique to one person, and it is done beautifully. One thing is for sure, Cancer sucks. What people often forget is that just because someone has an illness, terminal or otherwise, doesn’t mean they’re any different to how they were. As my aunt always told me, ‘They just get tired quicker, that’s all.’ In terms of character deaths, there is no other that is ever going to be as heart wrenching to any John Green fan as that of Augustus Waters. The pain I felt watching his health get worse and worse was truly unreasonable. Unreasonable because how invested must one become in the life of a fictional character, to mourn their death as if it were a real person?

But that is why my dear friends, this book is so genius. Augustus Waters was real. He exists within you and I, and within the lady on the bus, or the man at the grocery store. If we do not aspire to do greatly or be remembered in our lives, then what are we really living for? His inability to be mundane is what the human race strives for, and unfortunately along with many other terminal and non terminal illnesses, our own bodies and minds try and tear us apart sometimes. As more and more people are being diagnosed with cancer and other illnesses everyday, we are also closer to finding a cure each day, and that is an achievement in itself.

For those of you who are going through things in your life, and everyone is going through something, whether it be big or small, you are not a burden. Always be kind to one another, as you don’t know what is hidden behind a smile. If no one has reminded you today, you are important, and I care about you. Too many people go the length of their lives never knowing how much they are worth because no one ever took the time to tell them. You are worth more than the sun and the sky and the stars above, and I hope you always remember that. You are not a grenade.

You don’t need to push yourself away because you think you’re hurting people, or for their protection. As Augustus Waters would say, pain demands to be felt. Feel it, embrace it, and let others help you ease it.

Live long and prosper,

Home Girl, interrupted.