‘Sorry, there are no showings today.’

Right now, I just want to talk. It’s just me, no movies or TV shows. In all honestly, that’s all I thought I knew how to write about. But it’s not. In moments like these it does well to be anonymous. 

“The deeper I go into myself the more I realise that I am my own enemy.”

I know I always write about a film i’ve seen and how it can teach you something about life, and how it’s a positive outlook on something much deeper. As much as I still believe that, (and I urge you not to lose faith in films), I can’t do that tonight because i’m struggling. I’m at a point in my life right now where I feel like i’m falling apart by trying to hold everything together. But I guess that’s okay?

Over the past week I have thought and thought, to the point where I now feel like my head could potentially implode. Whilst over-thinking things remains the work of a greater evil, it usually means you can consider everything from every angle at every possible moment. This isn’t something I made a plan to write about or even considered in my head for a few days, it’s here right now and it’s just happening. On the surface I feel like i’m a twenty one year old girl at university, with no clue of what she’s doing and definitely not enough time to figure it out before deadlines begin.

Unfortunately, if that was all it was I would be fine. But like most things, nothing worthwhile is ever without complications. I don’t know why, but I suddenly feel like i’m not who i’m supposed to be, and as much as I want to be that person, it causes too many issues for other people. Now, I can hear you all saying ‘fuck it, be who you want to be.’ But in life I hope that if people know me, they’ll know me as fundamentally kind. Just kind, caring and loving, but how do I do that? How am I supposed to be that person without the intense emotion that comes with it? The two generally go hand in hand, but that seems to be pushing everyone away and essentially, I can’t be anyone else. I don’t know how to be anyone else.

I feel broken and alone in my own mind right now with no way out. I want to cry but I feel numb, I want to shout but i’m exhausted. I’m not strong enough to do this. I can’t hold my emotions in but i’m trying my damn hardest to. I’m trying not to act instinctively on how I feel, and i’m trying to not talk about things that are on my mind. It’s pointless, the outcome is always the same. It’s usually just me over-thinking everything. Maybe it’s the being up at 3.18am writing this, but it’s usually then when my inner thoughts are fighting to get out. My flatmate asked me why i’m being distant as he came in from the pub, and I told him that i’m fine, there’s nothing wrong. Because he doesn’t need my intensity or my issues in his life, I know he cares as my friend, but there has to be a gauge on what I share and what I don’t. I feel like i’m just putting pressure on everyone around me. They don’t need that. They don’t need me. My flatmate was right, people can’t handle how intense I am, and i’m beginning to understand exactly what he means.

I can honestly tell you that no matter how bad things are, drinking is not the solution. Trust me and my four day hangover, things only get worse if you depend on alcohol for a quick fix. Drinking caused more bad than good for me overall, and i’m just giving it up now. It was fun while it lasted, but I became dependant on my friend, (remember my saga from a while ago? Yeah, him) and that in turn became a burden for him. He has a girlfriend, but drunk me really didn’t think that through when I was grinding against him and he was trying to move away. Yes, not my proudest moment, and if I ever gather enough guts to tell him how sorry I am, I hope he believes me. He is one of my greatest friends and I’m not hurt over that anymore. I really don’t have anything against his girlfriend, she seems lovely, and I wish them both the best of whatever life gives them.

Anyway, this isn’t a completely negative post. What kind of person do you all think I am? As much as I feel like i’m a problem for everyone around me right now, I know (or at least I can hope) things will be okay. You, if you’re reading this and it sounds too familiar, you will also be okay. It can’t rain forever, there has to be sunshine at some point. I know that for the next however long I probably won’t talk to anyone in much detail about how i’m feeling, or what i’m doing, I’ll smile and say I’m fine a countless amount of times and that’s okay. But I will work it out eventually, there is a balance and I will get it right. We are brave, honest and true, we will travel the world, and find ourselves someday. Please just hold on, I will too.

Please be kind to me November.

Just an average girl.

 

 

 

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Life lessons at 4.19am

So this post is a little disjointed and unlike the rest as I just got in from a house party and it’s late and I’m dying. But, the point is, this is just something you need to know. 

When it comes to people, generally there’s gonna be someone you have a crush on, my god there has to be. My lesson to you all is: 

Do not go fricking duckie style (pretty in pink) on the person you’re crushing on. Seriously, it’s a crush for a reason. Not because it hurts or whatever, but because for some reason you’re just not compatible enough to be together. Who knows what the reason is, don’t dwell on it. It’s just not meant to be. 

And if you’re lucky enough to have a crush on a person who is a good friend of yours, LET THEM BE YOUR FRIEND, because I don’t know about anyone else but I would rather have a person that I care for so much as my friend than not at all. For god’s sake do not be that person that gets upset over a person they were never with. 

I promise you, you will find your perfect person, and they will be standing outside your window with a boombox, ready to sweep you off your feet via lawn mower. Until then, enjoy the people around you, I swear there are no others like them. Love them with your heart and not your head. And if by any chance you’re reading this, you know who you are, then note that I slept peacefully knowing that tomorrow I’d still have one of my closest friends in my life. You do you sweets, I got my friend in you, that’s all I ever need. 🙂

Live long and prosper, 

Home Girl, interupted. 

May I admire you again today?

(This was originally a post from a couple months back, apparently if you edit things they change their order.)


“This is a really volcanic ensemble you’re wearing, it’s really marvellous!”

A volcanic ensemble would be a kinder phrase to describe things right now, as in all honesty admiring from afar is hard work. Duckie has is right with constant persistence but the situation i’m in isn’t taking after Pretty In Pink (Hughes, 1986) unfortunately.

This is only going to be a short post because i’ve been at work today and my head feels like it’s going to fall off. But in my own saga,  The fawning continues! Now if you’ve never done that you’re lying. It’s a definite thing, thinking about potential situations with someone you’re crushing on is your brain’s way of filling you with false hope.

I’ve decided that i’m just going to marry John Stamos really, because he is quite glorious. But seriously, if he finds his own equivalent to the lovely Andie, then… I will just deal with it. I’m the kind of girl that’ll catch herself thinking in the moment about what could be and pin her hopes on it. Lesson to self: Don’t pin everything on one hope.

Sitting here watching 80’s teen films again isn’t really helping, because I still have no one in my back garden with a boombox trying to serenade me. 

UGH WHY IS THERE NO INSTRUCTION MANUAL FOR THIS?!

Hope you’re all well. Live long and prosper,

Home Girl, interrupted.

Everything you love is right here.

“Childhood is what you spend the rest of your life trying to overcome.”

So the day I was waiting for finally came, today i moved out of my home. The only home i’ve known for twenty years, and it ended with some tears, but at the same time it started something crazy and new. And i’m actually quite excited.

I don’t think I know a film that relates to this situation for everyone, but in my case i know i thought about Hope Floats (Whitaker, 1998) when i was thinking about which film i could relate to this. I watched this film about a woman with the worst luck trying to make a new life for her and her daughter, whilst i was sat with my mother. It’s always scary doing new things, for me this whole move is something new and unexpected, and i’d be lying if i said i wasn’t scared. But everything you love is right here.

I understand that moving away from what you know is difficult, but you never get anything out of just staying where you are. And whatever causes you to move, whatever the reason is, just take it as a good blessing to make a new start. What i take from this film is the will to carry on. The way the characters in this film are troubled with new challenges and forced to move from place to place, yet they manage to triumph every time. I triumphed in that same way today, and let me tell you, it feels good.

My biggest fear of moving was not being there for my brother, my sister or my mum, as you can probably tell i’m not a fan of change. But moving in with friends and seeing the support i actually got from my mum and my siblings makes me so much happier. This is because they knew change was coming, so they embraced it, which in turn helped me to embrace it too. I think that being a part of something bigger and knowing you’re not alone in these important times is a really big help.

So if you feel like you are alone when you’re trying to make choices or make plans, just know that everything you’ve ever wanted is on the other side of fear. If it doesn’t scare you, you don’t care enough, it’s as easy as that. I hope you find something scary enough to care about it, and to know that you’re not alone and you don’t have to do it on your own. I for one will always be right here, and that’s one person on your side. 🙂 Time to go out and change your world, and have fun embracing change!

Live Long and Prosper.

Home Girl, interrupted.

Avengers Assemble

“I still believe in heroes.”

I realise that i’ve been away a while, and it’s just because i’ve been dealing with my own stuff. But hopefully now everything is back on track and heading onwards and upwards. Generally, I like to use the Marvel Universe to describe the relationships I have with other people because of the different features that every character has, and every character, well almost every character, within the Marvel universe mirrors one of my friends.

The thing with The Avengers (Whedon, 2012), is that the team as one works as an ultimate, but it’s made by little pockets of people who are completely different. My friends are like the Avengers in the sense that we all make up ‘the crew’ but that’s not to say we have a sense of community one thousand percent of the time. We have disputes and arguments just like any group of people, but we know that if we fight it means we care. You don’t fight for something you don’t care about.

Something happened last week with a friend that scared me and pushed my anxiety over the edge. It reminded me that we have different opinions on things and that we have to agree to disagree. It was over something we had different views on, and the whole thing got heated and out of hand. This resulted in me having a panic attack and I couldn’t catch my breath. I was crying and crying, and there was just not enough air. This is not the point of this post.

My friend reminds me of Tony Stark because he is a cheeky shit, and he winds me up so much all the time. But without Tony Stark, there would be no Iron Man, and a world without Iron Man isn’t a pretty one. As much as we temporarily fall out and we say things we don’t mean, he really is a hero. He’s my hero for sure, because he’s my best friend/brother from another mother, who has picked me up every time I fall.

My other friends are all their own heroes, and they’re all mine too. My friends are incredible and they inspire me to be the best version of myself every single day. The groups of people we become part of are full of Hulks, Captain Americas, Hawkeyes, Iron Men and Black Widows, but the key is to embrace it, and work together. We all have different views on things but that’s what makes us stronger as a group and we need that to be open and well rounded people.

I really wanted to write this to show appreciation for my friends, and remind people that they should too. Even though we argued, we came through and rose up stronger from it and honestly I don’t know what I would do without these people in my life.

Always tell your Avengers how much they mean to you, because you never know when you’re next going to be in battle.

Live long and prosper,

Home Girl, interrupted.

Bi-Curious & The Virgin

‘Exactly. You root for them, you love them, so when they are brutally murdered, it hurts.’

No this is not a horror blog, although it could be depending on which way you look at it. This is just an outlet of things that happen in my own crazy, screwed up world and my attempt at trying to figure them out. Let me know if you get any light bulb moments, I could do with the extra… help?

Today in the world of a slightly insane, almost-adult, the day was spent telling people about the newest TV series I just finished watching (with my brother, who is sat here and wanted me to say ‘hi internet…’) So this new show has just released its second season on Netflix and it seems to be hitting the cliffhanger nail on the head. Unlike my own life full of Kardashian obsessors and Trump worshippers, Scream (MTV, 2015) has created characters that you actually care about. Noah Foster, (John Karna) and Audrey Jensen (Bex Taylor-Klaus) are among those I wish I was truly friends with. Although I can’t knock my own group of friends because they are some of the greatest (and most insane) people i’ve ever met, a certain air of sophistication follows around the special friendship that these two have.

My point is, MAKE GOOD FRIENDS, because these are the people that will stick with you through mass murders and/or mass deadlines, whichever one you’re most likely to be part of. Let’s hope deadlines aren’t that mind altering for you. Also this post is about an above average, slightly more than decent TV show that you could watch if you have a couple dozen hours spare.

DISCLAIMER: I’m not responsible for any nightmares.

I know this is a bit of a strange first post, but it’s just something to break the ice. If you found it boring, welp. But in all my fits of anonymous anger, sadness and despair I shall inform you with all the gory details. In the mean time, do something you’ll remember for a lifetime.

Live long and prosper,

Home Girl, interrupted.