Right now, I just want to talk. It’s just me, no movies or TV shows. In all honestly, that’s all I thought I knew how to write about. But it’s not. In moments like these it does well to be anonymous.
“The deeper I go into myself the more I realise that I am my own enemy.”
I know I always write about a film i’ve seen and how it can teach you something about life, and how it’s a positive outlook on something much deeper. As much as I still believe that, (and I urge you not to lose faith in films), I can’t do that tonight because i’m struggling. I’m at a point in my life right now where I feel like i’m falling apart by trying to hold everything together. But I guess that’s okay?
Over the past week I have thought and thought, to the point where I now feel like my head could potentially implode. Whilst over-thinking things remains the work of a greater evil, it usually means you can consider everything from every angle at every possible moment. This isn’t something I made a plan to write about or even considered in my head for a few days, it’s here right now and it’s just happening. On the surface I feel like i’m a twenty one year old girl at university, with no clue of what she’s doing and definitely not enough time to figure it out before deadlines begin.
Unfortunately, if that was all it was I would be fine. But like most things, nothing worthwhile is ever without complications. I don’t know why, but I suddenly feel like i’m not who i’m supposed to be, and as much as I want to be that person, it causes too many issues for other people. Now, I can hear you all saying ‘fuck it, be who you want to be.’ But in life I hope that if people know me, they’ll know me as fundamentally kind. Just kind, caring and loving, but how do I do that? How am I supposed to be that person without the intense emotion that comes with it? The two generally go hand in hand, but that seems to be pushing everyone away and essentially, I can’t be anyone else. I don’t know how to be anyone else.
I feel broken and alone in my own mind right now with no way out. I want to cry but I feel numb, I want to shout but i’m exhausted. I’m not strong enough to do this. I can’t hold my emotions in but i’m trying my damn hardest to. I’m trying not to act instinctively on how I feel, and i’m trying to not talk about things that are on my mind. It’s pointless, the outcome is always the same. It’s usually just me over-thinking everything. Maybe it’s the being up at 3.18am writing this, but it’s usually then when my inner thoughts are fighting to get out. My flatmate asked me why i’m being distant as he came in from the pub, and I told him that i’m fine, there’s nothing wrong. Because he doesn’t need my intensity or my issues in his life, I know he cares as my friend, but there has to be a gauge on what I share and what I don’t. I feel like i’m just putting pressure on everyone around me. They don’t need that. They don’t need me. My flatmate was right, people can’t handle how intense I am, and i’m beginning to understand exactly what he means.
I can honestly tell you that no matter how bad things are, drinking is not the solution. Trust me and my four day hangover, things only get worse if you depend on alcohol for a quick fix. Drinking caused more bad than good for me overall, and i’m just giving it up now. It was fun while it lasted, but I became dependant on my friend, (remember my saga from a while ago? Yeah, him) and that in turn became a burden for him. He has a girlfriend, but drunk me really didn’t think that through when I was grinding against him and he was trying to move away. Yes, not my proudest moment, and if I ever gather enough guts to tell him how sorry I am, I hope he believes me. He is one of my greatest friends and I’m not hurt over that anymore. I really don’t have anything against his girlfriend, she seems lovely, and I wish them both the best of whatever life gives them.
Anyway, this isn’t a completely negative post. What kind of person do you all think I am? As much as I feel like i’m a problem for everyone around me right now, I know (or at least I can hope) things will be okay. You, if you’re reading this and it sounds too familiar, you will also be okay. It can’t rain forever, there has to be sunshine at some point. I know that for the next however long I probably won’t talk to anyone in much detail about how i’m feeling, or what i’m doing, I’ll smile and say I’m fine a countless amount of times and that’s okay. But I will work it out eventually, there is a balance and I will get it right. We are brave, honest and true, we will travel the world, and find ourselves someday. Please just hold on, I will too.
Please be kind to me November.
Just an average girl.